Do You Smell What I Smell and Other Christmas Songs?

Welcome back, fine citizens and Rudolph and Blitzen’s! Welcome back to another free-to-the-masses episode of Issue with Issues guaranteed by me to be more fun than a colonoscopy!

Do you smell what I smell?

Well, it’s another day of the work week, and my wifey wife says she needs a few more minutes to sleep in, and she wants me to take an Uber so she can have the car. So I order one up, and I’m outside waiting for him, and the Uber pulls up, and I am excited because it is a Van. And because I am a man of girth, getting my selfy self into the back seat of a Prius and buckling the seatbelt (which I always do) is a chore, to say the least. So, seeing a van was a sight for sore eyes indeed, so much so that my guts let out a gurgle like I had to fart. Literally, I was so excited I almost farted! Time to hit the gym, Matty! But the van was so close I couldn’t let it out. So, I said a quick prayer to the almighty that I would be able to hold it in for the duration of the ride. Well, whatever division of heaven is in charge of fart retention must not have been open yet, because I farted just as I was getting into the cab! Fudge!! (Sweet GodI love that fudge!) Luckily for me, it was silent but deadly and not loud enough to hear. LOL! However, just because he couldn’t hear it doesn’t mean he couldn’t smell it, and I got to see the exact moment in which my dear driver got to smell my dark deed. But being that he was angling for a tip and a 5-star Uber rating, he didn’t say a bless-ed word! I could have melted into the floor and oozed through the door! He treated me like gold the whole ride. God bless his cotton socks! LOLOL

That’s all, Biggee Smalls! Leave me a note. P.S. It’s my birthday!

Peace and Carrots

Mattigascar

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Greetings, one and Al! Al is of such importance that he deserves his own special greeting! How’s it going, people? Back from a brief hiatus, rested, relaxed, and all! I hope you are all doing well!

Improving Employee Morale Everywhere…

I went up to the cashier at the LC, and she looked dog-tired. I said I hope your shift is almost over and she said… “It’s just starting”. I then said, “Then I hope whatever other job you are working at stops working you so damn hard!” She laughed and asked if I wanted a brown bag for my three beers, and I said, I do. And she folded it up like a kid’s brown-bagged lunch with one fold right at the top. I said that looks like lunch, and we laughed, and I said I’ve got to tell you I’ve eaten at worse establishments and everyone within earshot laughed.

Much Later…

I was talking to a friend who was sicker than a dog, who had actually come down with pneumonia. And I said to her, “You know the only worse thing than having pneumonia, is spelling pneumonia! And we laughed, and she said, “That’s got to go on the blog!” And here it is… LOLOL!

That’s all I got, Peeps! Leave a message in the comment, and why not be a share bear! Or simply go on with your day, no biggie!

Peace and carrots!

Mattigascar

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Greetings, lovely lovers, mothers, brothers and all the others! How the heck is it going? And welcome back to another wasp-free fall day and a stupendous episode of Issue with Issues. It’s the only funny for no money periodical that’s 34% guaranteed to cure what ails you!

Welcome to Wally World…

So, I am at Wally World (Walmart), AKA the seventh circle of hell reserved for people who fart in elevators and on airplanes. It’s basically the section of hell reserved for farters! (LOL I’m sure I’ve done both!). This day I had to pick up a birthday present for one of my daughter’s classmates, and the toys are located in furthermore, meaning if they had a bigger store, it would have been even furthermore away from the store entrance than it is now! LOL! This is to give your child ample opportunity to beg for no less than 87 other things with such fervency that you’d swear it was for one of your kidneys on her deathbed.

So I found what I am looking for, Hot Wheels mini cars, right beside this elderly employee, putting out stock. So I grab a multi-pack box of cars, bump it with my fingers, and knock it on the floor. To which the lovely Walmart maiden says to me, “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t go knocking things on the floor, we are trying to clean things up!” I hadn’t knocked several things justifying her response, nor had I even had the chance to pick them up yet. And instead of fueling this craziness, I paused and thought what would Batman do? And I thought he would shoot a grappling hook 40 feet in the air to the ceiling, then shoot a net at the lady, hoist her up to the ceiling, and leave her for Commissioner Gordon to deal with. Then I thought …better not go with Batman. And I said, “Sorry, I am trying my best, I’ll pick it up, no problem. But the package is open, so you’ll probably want to take it off the shelves. And I potted another one and said: “This one is open too!” And she said, “Yup!” sternly, “I have to go through them all, I’ll get to it!” No, thank you, or nothing. I said “Okay, have a nice day!” loudly and walked away in all my self-righteous, polite Canadian indignation. What I wish I had done was talk to her and say, “Man, this is a big job cleaning up this rat’s nest, most young employees would just half-ass it, your boss must trust you to do a good job! But sometimes I forget I should help ease the pain of people who are treating me poorly (hurting people, hurt people, eh!), not just only treating them politely when they are having a hard time. Either that or the Batman thing LOL!!! Which is what I really wanted to do:)

That’s all, Walmart shoppers! Leave a message, or don’t, your choice, fine citizens! What would Batman do?

Peace and Carrots!

Mattigascar

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Allô, allô, mon petit saucisson!! (Hello, hello, my little sausages for the Anglos!) How is it going, people? And welcome back to another raisin-free episode(Thank effing God!) of Issue with Issues, guaranteed to be more fun than a colonoscopy (Or I’ll book your next procedure!)

And From the Top Ropes… Kurt Browning??

Now we know and love national treasure Kurt Browning, and we all remember fondly how he won us an Olympic medal for Canada in the discipline of figure skating. But tragically, there is not much for figure skaters to do post-Olympics other than the figure skating road show, Stars on Ice.

Hear me out! I think he is a master of choreography and grace in motion, so why not try him out in the WWE? He could face off against wrestling superstars, The Undertaker, The Rock and his arch-villain, Elvis Stojko! He would still have all the crowd’s favourite jumps in his matches, like the Triple Salchow and Quadruple Lutz. But his finishing move would be the CHIP home reverse mortgage, where he simulates the opponent being screwed out of his inheritance by his parents through the CHIP’s reverse mortgage. All while assuring “it’s just built-up equity you have in your home!” LOLOLOL

For those of you who have no idea who Kurt Browning is or what a Chip home reverse mortgage is… Here’s a link to a commercial for it on YouTube!

That’s it, my wonderful citizens!

Leave a message, the winning comment will win a copy of Old Yeller. P.S. The dog gets it!

Peace and Carrots!

Mattigascar

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Welcome back to Issue with Issues, my fellow travellers on this giant space rock we call Earth. I bet you forgot we were hurtling through space at ridiculous speeds, didn’t you? With our heat provided by a huge-mungous ball of fucking fire… Yup, that’s going down right now! And you are worried about how you are going to make it through your latest crisis! Don’t worry, God/universe/spirit/the Fonz has got you! It is going to be okay 😊. Now for the funny stories…

My Dog is a Weiner, But I Love Her!

So, my dog has developed allergies, I am guessing, and she sneezes, holy shiznit does she sneeze. She sneezes so loudly and with such force that she shakes her head violently and repeatedly smacks her head into the tile floor and furniture, and she refuses to learn. Yesterday morning, she smacked her head on the floor with such force that she gave herself a bloody nose and bit her tongue at the same time (poor dog). The problem was that every time she licked where she thought it was bleeding to stop it, it sprayed blood everywhere because her tongue was bleeding. Our kitchen looked like a murder scene, then, when we were cleaning up the kitchen and were not looking, she sat down on our off-white carpet and proceeded to bleed all over that too! Fudge! The poor dog didn’t know how to stop the bleeding. I sat beside her and held her nose up to try to clot the blood, but she didn’t know what I was doing and was only moderately cooperative. So, we finally got the bleeding to stop, and then my wife went to fix our roller blind in the dining room, and the whole bracket pulled out of the wall, fudge! What a fricking day. So, I had to rent a Rug Doctor machine for $117 dollars with a deposit and wash fluid! Fork and beans!! Lol!!!

Only the finest of Lettuces…

Okay, sports fans, I was at the L.C., and I was giving the guy my license to be allowed in, and I saw a woman carrying a bottle of “Iceberg” vodka. So, I say to their guy running security, “So you guys are selling Iceberg vodka, eh?” He said, “Oh yeah, that’s right.” I pause and say, “I’m a big fan of their lettuce!” And he dies laughing, he says, “Oh yeah, I hear it’s the same company.” I say, “That’s the worst joke I’ve told all year!” And he said, “It was so bad I couldn’t help laughing!”

Happy holidays, space travellers! Leave a comment, or else! Lol!

Peace and Carrots party people!

Mattigascar

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Greetings and salutations, friends, lovers, and fudge! How the hell is it going? I am having a great day, my volume is coming in at 101.2 cubic deciliters, which sounds so much better than telling you my real weight. I do this because, when I do gain weight or conversely, increase volume, I’m just pumping up the volume! And who doesn’t love that song from the 80’s! (Pump up the volume by M.A.R.S) No one, I tell you! LOL! Well, welcome back to another episode of Issue with Issues, the only funny-for-no-money forum guaranteed to be more fun than a colonoscopy and nuttier than a squirrel turd.

Oh, thank Heaven!

So I was at the grocery store on a government sanctioned trip (Lol, meaning my wife asked me to pick up a few things, after I got my tea from Tim Horton’s) And, I went down the aisles picking up my various baked goods and sundries, and I rang through all my shit, I then gave the cashier my best obligatory dad joke and strolled away but I noticed I hadn’t rung through my deodorant (Gasp! What is a boy to do? The conundrum of it all!) Lol! So, I go to the cashier and say, “I haven’t paid for this, but I am not against stealing if you aren’t (just to mess with her head, as I was already trying to pay for it and I was already home free if I indeed wanted to steal it). With the cashier’s brain sufficiently scrambled, not sure if I was a no-goodnik or not, she rings it through. It was $8.63!! I said, “Are you fricking serious $8.63? That’s ridiculous. I should have stolen it.” At which point I said to the people behind me at the grocery store, “You people should thank God I smell so good and wear deodorant each day! $8.63!!!” Seriously, Jesus tap dancing Christ! I cannot fricking believe these prices, and they are only going to get worse! LOL!

Leave a comment, a piece of sagely wisdom, or a recent item you have been gouged on at the grocery store. I would love to see the prices in other parts of our beloved countries.

Peace and carrots, party people!

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Greetings, dear friends, new friends and all those in-between, and welcome to a human-generated and heavily medicated episode of Issue with Issues! Guaranteed as always to be more fun than a colonoscopy or my name’s not, Huckle Mctuckleberries.

And Just What Are You Smoking, Jamie Oliver?

I tell you, the predictive text feature on my phone is even more disabled than I am (And I am disabled, so don’t get offended!) So I typed in my phone’s text window d.i.s.h... then a w and it predicted wash! And I said close! And I added an e and an r for dishwasher and said, “Yay, we’re getting somewhere!! With dish and washer selected, it then came up with Tacos? 🌮 😋 TACOS??? Really? Dishwasher tacos in what fucking universe could that fucking exist? Dishwasher fucking tacos! 🌮 Like, have you ever been watching an episode of Jamie Oliver’s 30 Minute Meals and heard Jamie say… You just put in the tortillas, lettuce, ground beef and salsa and set it to heavy pots and pans and come back in half an hour, and there you have it, dishwasher tacos 🌮 gorgeous!! Fuck me sideways 🤣 Unbelievable!! And they think A. I is going to take over the world! What fricking ever! Maybe it’s time to hold up on the Teslas without steering wheels, me thinks!! Life is forever making me laugh…

That’s all Folx!

Peace and Carrots,

Mattigascar

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Greetings from the other side, of what we’re not sure yet… Welcome back to another episode of Issue with Issues, delivered as always, non-showered and nuclear-powered, and coming to you for no cost with the hot sauce.

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful…

You see, part of being a dad is being a constant source of frustration to your little one. And part of their job is to make sure you have no money for anything but McDonald’s (Screw you, clown!) LOL! And as part of my program… I give my daughter random Karate chops when she least expects it, Hiya! To keep her constantly on her toes, life requires constant vigilance! Just like the character Mad-Eye Moody from the Harry Potter movies. 😊

Now to the story… So, my daughter walks by me on the couch, and I swiftly lean forward and Hiya! I hit her with a Karate chop to the midsection. At which point she pounces on me, my daughter is tough as nails, and she annihilates me with a flurry of play-fighting punches to my torso. And to make her stop, I said, “Watch out, girl, you’ll mess up your hair!” My daughter said, “So, what! Do you think I give a rip? I wasn’t born to just be beautiful!” And I freaking died laughing! Always a source of hilarious sass, I love my girl!

That’s all, baby dolls!

Peace and Carrots!

Mattigascar

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Greetings, men, women, and Helen’s and welcome back to another episode of Issue with Issues as always guaranteed to be more fun than a colonoscopy… or you can tell my mom. She reads this, too! Hi Mom!

What’s in the Box?

I was coming out of McDonald’s with some grade-A nutrition for my daughter (I still haven’t weaned her off clown food.) And I went to administer the dad tax on her French fries this week; the French fry levy was set to three big ones, which I promptly ate. And they were cold!!! They JUST handed them to me! And I thought… self, you selfie self you! Car companies are always looking for the newest, latest feature to put in their vehicles, so why not put a mini microwave in the glove box to reheat your McDonald’s Frenchie’s or your Timmies Double-Double? And don’t even get me started on Tim Horton’s food… the day Tim Horton’s sells me a hot meal is the day they’ll raise the bleepin’ Titanic! Louise, may you never run out of geez for that one!

Mmm donuts!

Here is some sage advice from your Uncle Matty… Always remember, folx, there is a fine line between Dunkin’ Donuts and dinkin’ donuts… It may be only a small vowel, but trust me, there’s a major difference!

That’s all, baby-dolls!

Peace and Carrots party people!

Mattigascar

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If You Thought You Were Having a Bad Day… (Funny Story)

Greetings, fellow frosty travellers on this frozen shit rock hurtling through space! And welcome back to another episode of Issue with Issues, as always, for no cost, bringing the hot sauce, or I’m a big hairy liar.

If You Thought YOU Were Having a Bad Day… (Funny Story)

So, I am at the liquor store awaiting entry after showing my I.D. And the poor lady checking I.D looks like she is having a bad day. So being my awesome self, I decided I was going to put a smile on her lovely face.

So, I said, “If you think you’re having a bad day at your job, just be thankful you aren’t the guy in charge of shucking baby corn… All for them to just go in a can! It takes hundreds of them literally to just fit in one can, only to be paid a $1.87 LOLOL!! Ridiculous! Just imagine shucking off the layers and picking off all that corn silk for five minutes!! Just to say aaaand that’s one done! Just 99 more to go for this can😊 Enough to drive someone insane! And she laughed her ever-loving ass off and said, “Ain’t that the truth!! Someone always has got it worse!! Hahaha!

That’s all folx!

Peace and Carrots

Mattfuckinehmacrae

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Greetings from the future with no specific message… Just carry on with what you’re doing. (Why do all messages from the future have to be so foreboding? Why not a hey, good job, citizens of Earth, carry on?) We’re looking at you, Michael J. Fox! Welcome back to another short but sweet episode of Issue with Issues, as always bringing the hot sauce for no cost, or my name’s not Colonel Sanders.

We Saved You a Seat at the SPECIAL Table… (Funny Story)

Well, my daughter can’t help but be funny, and this week she was in fine form again. She was explaining that she had to write a book report and was telling me all the things it had to contain. She said it had to have a title page and a bibliography, and I know what she wanted to say was a table of contents. But she said, and I quote, “Daddy, it has to have a table of incontinence.” LOLOL! And I absolutely howled laughing! I laughed so hard; tears were running down both legs (Pun absolutely intended!) Welcome to my restaurant. We saved you a seat at the SPECIAL table! The shittiest table in my whole restaurant. The table of Incontinence! It’s the only place you can go without ever leaving!!! LOLOL I fricking love her!! I thank God for making her so awesome and giving her to me! Hahaha!

That’s all folx!

Peace and Carrots Party People!

Mattfuckinehmacrae

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Greetings, Christmosians and other fine, festive holiday enthusiasts! Welcome back to another frosty winter episode of Issue with Issues, as always guaranteed to be more fun than a colonoscopy or I am not Bernie Klippershnuts.

Burn Baby Burn!

Well, as I write this, I am snowed in from a blizzard that struck in the middle of the night. It started with wicked freezing rain and ended with wind-blown snowdrifts and a windchill factor of -34 degrees Celsius. I damn near perished walking my dog today. Man alive, Winnipeg rocks!

As a man of substance… or as Gabriel Iglesias would say…Fluffy, my daughter, burns me relentlessly about my weight. And because she has been so blessed with her father’s sense of humour, I can’t even get mad because they are so damn funny! No fooling. LOL!

Anyone who knows me knows I’d do damn near anything for my daughter, as would my wife, so I went out and picked up my daughter some hand cream at like 10 o’clock during the week, despite having to work early the next day. Nice eh! This didn’t stop my daughter from laying out the burn of my life on me! She could easily be a stand-up one day if she should so choose. So I come into her room and hand her the cream and say, “Aren’t you going to thank your big beast of a dad for buying you hand cream and she said, “ You’re not a beast, Dad, you’re obese! Ha-ha! Seriously, third-degree burns on that one! Then she proceeded to slap my big ol’ belly like a drum to the tune of Ram Jams, only hit “Black Betty” yelling “oh fat belly- blam-o-lam, fat belly had a child- blam-o-lam! While dying laughing. And I laughed so hard that gravy-flavoured tears were streaming down my face. LOL! Man, alive, I love that girl!

That’s all folx!

Peace and Carrots

Mattfuckinehmacrae

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At Least it’s Ketchup, not Catsup… (Funny stories for funny People)

Greeting home diddles, mc griddles, and hey diddle diddles, welcome back to your favourite blog full of funny stories and farm-fresh fudge! Still guaranteed to be 100% more fun than a colonoscopy and without that pesky pain in the butt. Speaking of Mcgriddles maybe McDonald’s should come up with its own brand of Spanx for people who eat too much of their food like me and call it McGirdles. Lol!

At least it’s not catsup…

So, I am broke and I have $30 to last me two more days and the AC/heater fan blows out in my car and according to Price Master J, (AKA my wife) it will cost $500-$1,000 fuck! So, my daughter wants clown food (AKA McDonald’s), but I realize we are out of ketchup for her chicken nuggets (I know ketchup on nuggets, gross). So, I stopped at the CO-OP, got some, and I got in line. And there is this guy ahead of me frantically bagging a metric shit ton of groceries. He’s still bagging and I ring through my one item, a $3.89 bottle of generic ketchup, and I look over to him and shake my head and say I may not have Mercedes Benz money, but I sure as shit have ketchup money, and he laughed like he just heard the dog let out a fart and it was a big one Hahaha!

That’s it, my friends! Leave a message on the Contact Me section of this very website, the winning comment will unlock the unlimited gravy passcode :P

Peace and Carrots!

Mattfuckinehmacrae

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Welcome back, dearest fuzzlebutts! And welcome back to another heartwarming episode of Issue with Issues! IWI is the only place where you can not only have your cake but eat a slice too, and then go back and have another slice, because hey, cake is awesome! (No judgement, I’ve done it!)

Do you hear the lawns being mowed in the dark, Clairice?

So, the good Lord (Creator, the Universe, Ricky Gervais, take your pick, whatever least offends you.) has blessed us here in Winterpeg (Winnipeg) with some extra time for fall clean-up because our first snow that sticks is now 24 days late. So, as a result, people have been using their lawn mowers to bag up the last of the leaves on their lawns, the easy way.

And up until this year, I had never heard or seen anyone mowing their lawn in the pitch blackness that is night, until this year. And in the last week and a bit, I have seen 4 count ‘em 4, of my neighbours mowing their lawns in pitch blackness. No shit, 4 people! Now I was going to write a post on how all my neighbours are batshit crazy until somethings count ‘em plural happened that changed my heart…

The first and sadder of the two is my neighbour, whose brother lets her stay in his house because he is living in the U.S. Is, in fact, afraid of her brother, I think (I’m not sure). He is always screaming at her; he hasn’t hit her that I’ve seen, or I’d step in. Come to think of it, next time he is in town, I’m going to tell him to stop yelling so much; she’s old. He’s got a real deal with his lawn being mowed all the time, so I think that was why she was mowing it in the dark. In her defence, the electric mower she was using had a built-in flashlight for night mowing (No shit). So, I think the makers of said lawnmowers thought more than just my neighbour might attempt this.

The second was my neighbour, whom I caught right in the act, mowing her lawn in pitch blackness. She is also just the friendliest person. When I joked with her about it, I said that she wasn’t the only crazy one mowing their lawn at night and that I had seen my other neighbour mowing her lawn last night when I was out walking the dog. I was trying to make her feel better about the whole thing. She stopped mowing her lawn, seeing that I was walking my dog again this night and ran inside to grab my dog some treats from her house. And then after feeding my dog like four treats proceeded to walk halfway down the block, totally leaving her half-mowed lawn and lawnmower in the process and asking me all about my family, remembering every single detail from the last time we spoke, in absolutely unbelievable kindness and neighbourly love!

And I thought to myself how often we see people and just take a picture and post a story about the crazy person we saw mowing their lawn in the pitch blackness. But how rarely do we think WHY they might be mowing their lawn in the dark? One who is a potential victim of abuse and the other who told me “I was raised in the country; we just mowed the lawn when we had time, and it was usually at the end of the day”. Sounds legit to me. As for the other two people mowing the lawn in the dark this week, I’m sure they had good reasons too! LOL!! Have a great day and love your crazy neighbours because don’t forget you’re their crazy neighbour! Love ‘em all!

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Peace and Carrots

Mattfuckinehmacrae

Greetings friends, and enemies (Enemy views still count in the stats, thank you all for tuning in.) Welcome back to another homegrown episode of Issue with Issues! As always, for straight up no cost, and bringing the hot sauce or my name’s not Euphegema Humphsternickle.

Maybe it’s Worth a Vet Bill??? (Funny Story)

So, I was talking to my neighbour at the dog park about how my dog needs to get fixed. It’s just time. The only problem being (And it’s a big problem.) It’s going to cost like $700 because some rich grass pole in Winnipeg bought up all the vet clinics and is now gouging the entire city because he can charge whatever he wants now.

And my neighbour, who is kind of an old-fashioned kind of guy, said how he used to go to an old-fashioned kind of vet in the city who only charged him $55 to fix his cat. He went on to tell me how the vet just put an elastic over his cat’s nuts, and after a few days, they just dried up and fell off. And he said to me he gave me a couple of those elastics, I still have them, maybe you could use them? At this point, I laughed my ass off! And said, “I don’t know if I want to do that, and said my dog is supposed to be man’s best friend and all. And I don’t know how good a friend I’d be if I were trying to jury-rig my dog’s dick! Maybe it’s worth a vet bill. LOL! And we both laughed our freezing butts off. He said I guess so! LOL!

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That’s all, folx!

Peace and Carrots

Mattfuckinehmacrae

Greetings friends, Romans, and countrymen, and welcome back to another free-to-the-masses episode of Issue with Issues! It’s like spiritual gravy for your souls! Fun fact: Spiritual Gravy was the name of my jazz fusion band in the 80’s LOL!

My Doggo the Weirdo…

My dog is a fucking weirdo, it’s like he has some ass fetish. Stay with me on this. (It’s worth the trip.) Every time I let him in the house before me after a walk, he pauses directly in the way, just in the door and absolutely will NOT move until I bump his ass with my knee. He then proceeds forward up my two back steps to my main level and stops right in the doorway and won’t move until I bump his ass again with my knee! Fricking ass freak weirdo! But I also noticed this fricking dog goes to each spot he thinks I need to go to next and waits there… Right fricking in the way! Which is infuriating because it means he’s always right in the fucking way!!!

But the furry little sausage (Whom we love with our whole souls!) has done it when I have forgotten to shut off the oven, or when the stuff I am cooking is starting to burn on the stove, and he’s concerned. (You know you’ve burned dinner badly when even the dog’s concerned!) LOL!!! He’s like a fricking SERVICE DOG for the vision impaired!!! No shit!!

So when I was putting together a 9-foot Grim Reaper for Halloween with my wife, and we were zip-tying a set of black robes on his skeleton, my dog kept getting in the way, again! So, I decided to see if my dog was some sort of getting in the way “savant”, and it’s something to be paid attention to. So, every time he got in the way, I would move him out of his spot and stand directly where he was before. And it was like I was Johnny on the spot, I was right where my wife needed me to be to hand her something, every time it was spooky! Abso-fricking-lutely crazy stuff, people. I will keep experimenting with Dogzilla and keep you all posted! Man alive, dogs are crazy!! What crazy things does your dog- or cat do (They’re crazy too!)?? Let me know in the comments!

Peace and Carrots!

mattfuckinehmacrae!

Greetings, readers of quality literature and/or certified Grade A bullshit. Welcome back to another fine episode of Issue with Issues fighting boredom and your deepest sorrows two paragraphs at a time since… God knows when. Welcome folx!

Not-So-Silent Sentinels of Grocery Store Parking Lots Everywhere…

We’ve all seen ‘em flying overhead at the grocery store, the dreaded uber-annoying birds that scream at you to drop a morsel of food, then they quickly swoop down, snatch up and swallow it in one motion. Not unlike some killer whale might do to an unsuspecting mackerel. Ooh, that would be a great idea for a Halloween costume or maybe a Scooby-Doo mystery, “Scooby-Doo and the Unsuspecting Mackerel”. Solid gold idea, my friends!

So, on our latest shopping trip before leaving the grocery store with my daughter, I was explaining how we had to hurry to get in the car with our groceries before we got shit on by the massive barbarian hoard of “shit eagles” TM (seagulls) LOL! And I thought that should be the real “Supermarket challenge!” I mean, I smell an ’80s show reboot! Fox network will pick this up for sure! Heck, I’d watch! That’d be hilarious! People throwing groceries like mad into their trunks and stuffing their kids like sausages into their car seats, all under the ever-present threat of seagull shit!! GOLD, I tell you!! Let’s make this happen, people!

That’s all, folx!

Peace and Carrots

Mattfuckinehmacrae

Greetings, señores and señoritas! I hope you are well! Sounds like a greeting card a sadistic Lassie might throw down the well to little Timmy after he just fell down it! LOL! Welcome back to another episode of Issue with Issues, now with 42% more sodium and still more fun than a colonoscopy.

But could you spot it out of a line-up?

Well, I decided to be nice and take my daughter over to her grandmother’s house for a visit. And as I was heading down the road/artist formerly known as Bishop Grandin Blvd., there was a traffic jam of near biblical proportions (Meaning there were frogs and locusts, but no one had broken out into boils yet, so just near biblical😊). The traffic was barely moving, and my daughter started complaining and saying, “What gives?” So I start explaining to her about how there has been a sewage leak for the past week and how there have been 95 Olympic-sized swimming pools full of Winnipeg’s finest turds pumped into our beloved river. When, at just that moment, I had the grinchiest idea ever! I told my daughter, who was 7 at the time. “See that heavy equipment over there? Way over at the front of the long line of cars, honey? They scooped up all of the shit that leaked out of the burst pipe out of the river And the reason the line of cars is so long is because they have piled up all the poop at the front of the line, and people have to identify and pick up all the turds they have taken in the past week and take them back to their houses. That’s why the line is so long. Do you think you could pick out your turds out of the pile?” And at this point, I don’t know how I didn’t immediately burst out laughing, being that it is the biggest load of B.S I have ever uttered. And suddenly, I hear a sheepish reply from the back seat. “I, I, I guess sooo!” Oh, my shit! She believed it! Hook, line, and sinker! So, being that I had nothing but time on my hands, waiting for the traffic to move, I kept up my joke load of B.S for like another 15 minutes!! At one point, she said, “They don’t make you pick them up with your bare hands, do they?” She said, almost in tears. I burst out laughing, then quickly gained my composure. “No, honey, they give you a scooper.” “Oh, thank God!” she says, relieved. OMG!!! At this point, we had almost made it to the front of the line when I told her I was joking. Oh, she was mad at first, and then she died laughing with me! LOL!

But all bullshit aside, maybe if we all did as citizens have to pick up our last night’s leftovers after a sewage dump into the river, we would demand change and just maybe… We would as a city put more pressure on the city to fix this sewage leak in a shorter time frame than two weeks, like they have been quoting us!! Ridiculous! (Quite frankly, this is happening far too often, people!).

That’s it, my friends lol!

Peace and Carrots!

Mattfuckinehmacrae

Greetings, dope G’s and Kenny G’s, it doesn’t matter which, we’re all G’s here! Welcome back to another 92.333% smegma-free episode of Issue with Issues! Sorry about that smegma, but there’s always a little!

The Urinator…

So, the morning starts with me walking to my car with my daughter in tow. And who do I see but the witch who was causing such a ruckus at the Rich Beyotch Breakfast Club in the mornings. The R.B.B.C: Is a group of well-to-do retired assholes that meet first thing in the morning with their little foo-foo dogs at the rink near my house to let their dogs play and complain about the world. And they do not like my dog because he is a causer of ruckuses. Although this irks my wife and I to no end, because he’s still our kid, they should accept him; they may just have a point there, LOL!

I walked by her and her dog with my daughter and gave her my best “eat-shit-lady!” grin, and then drove my daughter off to school. I come back a half an hour later with a coffee for me and my lovely wife, and… my wife is pissed!

The Rich Beyotch Breakfast Club never really accepted my wife and dog because my dog is a larger breed, so they’re afraid he will hurt their little foo-foo dogs. Also, he is still a puppy, so he runs around like a four-legged, altogether too friendly speed freak!

So my wife is pissed and says, “I hate that beyotch at the dog park!” I said, “Haven’t you learned your lesson about going to the R.B.B.C!!” Our dog pissed on her! (We’ll call her Janice… because everyone loves Raymond, and everyone hates Janice! Don’t get mad, it’s just the rules I don’t make them up!) I said he pissed on Janice???” I must have screamed yes while laughing my ass off five times! I high-fived my wife. LOL! And gave my dog the biggest dog treat! My wife went on to say, “She didn’t even notice! He was about to piss on her a second time… (I died, I fucking died laughing.) When another lady stopped her and said It’s okay, her dog pissed on me once, call it karma!” If this karma shit is true with our dog, we’re fucked!! I’ll be peed on every day from now till Christmas! Is this normal behaviour with boy dogs??? He’s unstoppable! Hahaha!

At this point, my daughter enters the room, and the dog starts nipping at her pant legs because my dog thinks my daughter is another puppy and he’s as dumb as hell (Man, I love him!). And she says, “ Stop biting me! Why did you get him?” And I said, “Because he pees on my enemies!!” LOLOL!

Should have named my dog Ruckus!!

That’s all, folx!

Peace and Carrots

Mattfuckinehmacrae

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